big girls crying

these are my words that i've never said before i think i'm doing okay.

i feel like SHIT.

my sister is like shit

boyfriend is like shit too...
sleeping and smelling like shit too..
i called him so many times
but he's still sleeping.
i just wanna see the damm doctor


he's ignoring me.

i wanna quit my job
i hate my job

i wanna run away...

- still into this

these are my words that i've never said before i think i'm doing okay.

a day start by him by my side


isnt fifi a one hell handsome cat


boyfriend of mine


we head to twl to meet with the gang
see.. my portable movie player is now their laughing gas.
recently, i uploaded some funny japanese pranks.
they love it of course


i am forever with my tiny shorts eventhough it seem i've gain 3kg in a month.
i am fat, i say.
ok so we were seating at twl and then after my last sip, they wanted to go to a wedding dinner.
so uh huh.
we did. with my tiny short shorts, and some of them wearing slippers and just jerseys and bems, we went to the wedding.
how seleke was US.
unimaginable.
i met 2 amazing girls yesterday. it was an instant click that eventually we were talking bout love and our past life.
after filling our stomach, we ride off.

we ride from one end to another like nobody business.
in the past, i hated it
the journey i call " riding to no where"
but amazingly i wanted to go places i miss and i would love to adventure to new places.
so ah...a..

we went to this hollow dark entrance of a forest near kampung chantek.
damm
it was dark and we had no touch lights.
i went to the nearest petrol station along bt timah rd but caltex didn't sell any torch so i actually beg that mat
and left my hp no and promise to return the torch.

there was 9 of us and i was the no. 5.
we hold each other shoulder in a row as we walked inside.
one hand holding syz1 what it seems tall broad shoulders
and my another hand holding a ciggy
tiptoeing in case i step on a Pool of those big black ants
and constantly looking down in case i see head flying
but still
goodness, the ants was huge. it was like a size of a capsule.
we walk and walk until we stop to an incoming call by fahmi.

That badot was alraedy outside the entrance and we returned to the same path to fetch him

but eventually our plan to go in again was ruined
when some stupid rich fuckers residing around there made a police complain
and we were chase out from that estate.



the journey didn't stop. the night was still young and suggested to meet my friend; james.


didn't end there tho
we made our way to kampung wak hassan.
on the way at sembawang, syz1 back tires got pierced by a nail.
amazingly fahmi was brave to ride syz1 wobbling bike back to bukit batok.
i should have taken a pic of him sitting on the bike tank riding...
it's ridiculous.

anything. watever.
it has been a week not meeting up with my pantats over cigarette, coffee or simply just bread and spermo jelly at ah hock.
i guess it's just our busy schedule. su just gotten her naval pierced and when is my turn? she didn't text me back.
oh please dont be mad at me su for not hearing ur calls at the bus stop.

anyways, sister was great to give me nights on thurs and fri.
Therefore i was granted an off day for sat and sun
so that eventually i need not take that blurdy train especially on a sat noon when ppl are going towning.
and on sundays, seeing the whole family still sleeping as i walked out.

and guess what. another off day for me on sat n sun next week!

which means... i better polish my dancing shoes... i will be shuffling my way to zouk i guess.
yan had asked me along so why not.

AND

i am so dying to go sentosa.
i need my pantats to go too. lets sun tan till moon tanning.
i know u both have some belly to show off.
(hmmp)
we could play beach ball and chill at cafe delma or km8 after that.

shall we
shall we...

WE SHALL right!!!
???

am smilling from ear to ear as i am typing...
he's just beside me sleeping.
snooring.
baby been great.
so do i....
a record to be held for not having arguments this few weeks.
Blaaaah.

i'm just equally ashamed that i may be the reason of him diagnosed
young hypertensive.

like hello 19o/ 110?
it's crazy.

it started when he's so lazy to go to work after our routine club nights and late outings...
he wanted an mc.
so we went to the hospital.
at nuh we waited for blurdy 6hrs to see the dr.
so yaaaa... dr gave him some few tablets to be taken every morning to control his blood pressure level.
so maybe i was just driving him crazy with my ms perfect attitude.
i've been a lil' bit cool with him nowadays when in fact he still annoy me.
being a nurse i know how he can end up if he doesn't take the pills every morning.

i know this patient he's 35.

forgetting to swallow one damm small tablet
and
also to work stress( the pt mum told me so)
he is now bed bound... still there in my bed 34.
one day, the vessel just burst and he also had his left side brain removed.

whenever i do 2hourly turning for him, i treated pushing him side to side gently seeing that it must just be syz1.

i'm scared and i do care
syz1 never seems to care a shit for his negligence.
period.
so, maybe it have been a quite a long time since i last blog.
as usual i have ALOT to tell but another one more news
my sister.
she's a malay, 40 plus not married yet, kind but at times naggy
(thank god she's not my mother)
she told me to retake my o level.
she wants me to go nanyang while she will sponsor me with my basic pay while i studied.
is she kidding me or what?
na-ah.
i remember my math o level was d7 when i was in sec5
and
i was trying my luck again retaking math in private

when to my what my instint always say" i told u so" attitude
i got a E8.

oh wells, i have till this nov to think about it.
it's a good oppurtunity but hey... it's not bad either being an an okey.
some of my prcp student wish that they'll happy to work like me but in hope to have sn pay la of course.
working in a highly stress area like medical ward, my sn only get to eat dinner or go home as late as 11pm on a pm shift especially on bz bz day.
as for now, i wish i had save up more money. it keep being spent by just a snap.
it's only the beginning yar...

i need my sleep now.
going nydc with my new found friend; yanti
(a nyp student nurse who apparently is going out w/ fahmi but has a boyfriend who dont care bout her where and well beings)
later with the boys.
ok toodles.

to my pantats; i would love to go ah hock and listen to some more clinche stories.
love;
yours truly;
tea

- never been reveal before

these are my words that i've never said before i think i'm doing okay.

to .u.
i love u w every .heartbeats.
sometime i drive u .crazy.
simply
because i want to do the best in .us.
i may not have many best friends or maybe a perfect family

and .u.
that's all that i need now
.you. are my best friend
my .soul mate. and i love you very much.

i adore u and
i miss u.




my absence
it's been a month now.
my birthday has just passed.
i'm 21. Alot of things happen so quickly.
i'm still smiling tho...



God knows my address
i keep asking why why why
but
i still have no answers to my questions

i have always learnt that things
usually bad and evil things always happen for a reason.

and damn right
it's always beneficial for the future.

---the beatings from dad when i was still a child until my teens
---mom going through my diaries

i learnt to communicate with my children
building a bond and trust
and most importantly
keep asking why and being rationale with my children.

i knew as a kid
i wasn't a bad girl.
of how they treated me was unreasonable.

the beatings and swearing made me drift away

one time they stop because i ran away

after running away, they tried to be good to me

but it was too late. i stop talking to them too or even try to take a glimpse at them

i had only my best friends my boyfriend to run to
my diary my journal
i wrote about my days in my high school

but what happen? mom read em'
so, you see. i wont choose that path of how they treated me.



high&Low
and if you talk about my HL relationships.
maybe being with that former gangster boyfriend of mine wasn't a mistake at all.
apparently, he's now in jail.

anyway, i said that
its because it made me realise and apparently compare between those 2 boys.
off the record.
syz1 has always and will be my life companion.
we've been together for almost 7 years
and i know that i want too be with that man.
He's kind, sensitive and somebody i know i can trust.

trust is something i value in somebody

it has always been a problem in me trusting friends
because i've heard and seen it all

be it in groupings or collegues.
i've seen enough backstabbers, liars, malicious gossipers, envious people.
i got paranoid.
tell me how am i suppose to even tell the deepest secret to somebody
when
you never know
she will tell and apparently pass to others in the wrong way of how you actually meant.

sooner, people start to judge you.
worst thing, two face people.

Recently, i met up with some of my former schoolmates.
this particular girl,
she used to talk to me on the phone about almost things that she hated about this girl or that girl...
bad mouthing about this and that
and ever she told me that she wanna get close to this somebody because
.simply.
nak korek rahsia

tell me isn't it scary.
what if it happen to me. u think she's ur good friend
and
as the result
she your
yours truly; hypocrite.

But so far, i have put down my guard down
- a little bit.
i open up a little bit to few people.
people i hated became my best friend.
especially my mom.
she 's the most wonderful people i know in the world.

she understand the word patience.
i admire her patience when facing real problem in front of her eyes growing like nobody business.

nowadays, i see my self so .bocap.
life is short, i say.
live it.

I am close to finalizing my life now
to be a good daughter. good sister. good girlfriend. good friend. good team player.
In fact, i am a lot different, more sure of myself, and more capable of things than I was.
...
...
...
...
all the thanks to my past.