- never been reveal before

these are my words that i've never said before i think i'm doing okay.

to .u.
i love u w every .heartbeats.
sometime i drive u .crazy.
simply
because i want to do the best in .us.
i may not have many best friends or maybe a perfect family

and .u.
that's all that i need now
.you. are my best friend
my .soul mate. and i love you very much.

i adore u and
i miss u.




my absence
it's been a month now.
my birthday has just passed.
i'm 21. Alot of things happen so quickly.
i'm still smiling tho...



God knows my address
i keep asking why why why
but
i still have no answers to my questions

i have always learnt that things
usually bad and evil things always happen for a reason.

and damn right
it's always beneficial for the future.

---the beatings from dad when i was still a child until my teens
---mom going through my diaries

i learnt to communicate with my children
building a bond and trust
and most importantly
keep asking why and being rationale with my children.

i knew as a kid
i wasn't a bad girl.
of how they treated me was unreasonable.

the beatings and swearing made me drift away

one time they stop because i ran away

after running away, they tried to be good to me

but it was too late. i stop talking to them too or even try to take a glimpse at them

i had only my best friends my boyfriend to run to
my diary my journal
i wrote about my days in my high school

but what happen? mom read em'
so, you see. i wont choose that path of how they treated me.



high&Low
and if you talk about my HL relationships.
maybe being with that former gangster boyfriend of mine wasn't a mistake at all.
apparently, he's now in jail.

anyway, i said that
its because it made me realise and apparently compare between those 2 boys.
off the record.
syz1 has always and will be my life companion.
we've been together for almost 7 years
and i know that i want too be with that man.
He's kind, sensitive and somebody i know i can trust.

trust is something i value in somebody

it has always been a problem in me trusting friends
because i've heard and seen it all

be it in groupings or collegues.
i've seen enough backstabbers, liars, malicious gossipers, envious people.
i got paranoid.
tell me how am i suppose to even tell the deepest secret to somebody
when
you never know
she will tell and apparently pass to others in the wrong way of how you actually meant.

sooner, people start to judge you.
worst thing, two face people.

Recently, i met up with some of my former schoolmates.
this particular girl,
she used to talk to me on the phone about almost things that she hated about this girl or that girl...
bad mouthing about this and that
and ever she told me that she wanna get close to this somebody because
.simply.
nak korek rahsia

tell me isn't it scary.
what if it happen to me. u think she's ur good friend
and
as the result
she your
yours truly; hypocrite.

But so far, i have put down my guard down
- a little bit.
i open up a little bit to few people.
people i hated became my best friend.
especially my mom.
she 's the most wonderful people i know in the world.

she understand the word patience.
i admire her patience when facing real problem in front of her eyes growing like nobody business.

nowadays, i see my self so .bocap.
life is short, i say.
live it.

I am close to finalizing my life now
to be a good daughter. good sister. good girlfriend. good friend. good team player.
In fact, i am a lot different, more sure of myself, and more capable of things than I was.
...
...
...
...
all the thanks to my past.